a-amanda. nästan precis som hon är.

Loué sois-tu Jésus le Christ, tu déposes ta compassion en nous pour qu'elle rayonne dans le monde. Par les gestes les plus simples, nous pouvons transmettre ton amour. Et même là où nous ne l'aurions pas attendu, parfois à notre grand étonnement, nous découvrons ta présence.

Be praised Jesus Christ, you put your compassion in us so that it may shine in the world. Through the simplest of gestures we can transmit your love to others. And even in the places where we did not expect it we can be surprised to discover your presence.

I know I'm a bad writer, but there are just so many things happening all the time that I don't have time to write anything anywhere...

However, here I am! Still going strong. I've been here 7 weeks today. Incredible how fast the time has passed. Two days ago I went to Dhaka to extend my visa for another month. Success! Until Easter. It'll soon be time to check the tickets to the Philippines and Indonesia...

It's getting warmer here, summer is coming and I sometimes feel like I'm melting away... Unbearable to be in the sun. I can comfort myself with the fact that I'm going home right in time for the Swedish summer, which means 22 degrees and rain. Ehm. I continue working in the Day Care centers and Station Club among other projects, wherever I'm needed basically. Some computer lessons, some home visits, meetings, some things that just need to be done I can do. It's pretty busy I can tell you, and I've been bad in listing my priorities to get the required Amanda-time. (which basically means that I didn't have enough time to sort my thougts and feelings. I'm just too much of a philosopher and thinker, I guess. And when I actually take the time to sit down to do all that, I drift away.) But it's getting better now... Also, Wednesdays are always a bit more relaxed, managed to fix a regular half free afternoon. Wonderful. Mass at 17.00, in an hour.

Tomorrow I'll go on a pilgrimage! Together with many disabled youths (a couple of hundreds I'v heard) and quite a number of assistants we'll go to a place very close to the Indian border (the Bangla names are still tricky for me to remember) and we'll be back on Sunday. Easter time. We will carry crosses up and down the hills, I've heard. I'm very excited about tomorrow, "anondo" (joy) is what people mention when I ask about how they find the pilgrimages.

Oh oh, I have to tell you! There's a cirkus in town and it's located 15min from the Taize house. One morning THE ELEPHANT of the cirkus passed me on the street as I was walking home after morning prayer! An elephant! I have to admit, I sort of freaked out. Now I've seen it several times in the neighbourhood, I even know where it is parked (yep, it's an elephant, it's parked), so I'm gonna have to make a visit soon.

I have many small things like these to share. "TIB" - This Is Bangladesh is a frequently used saying over here. I already started a list of things that I believe belong on that radar. I'm gonna post them all once! (I don't know whether the spider, in my room, with the size of my hand belongs in there or not. I have a picture. I'm not exaggerating. You will see. Also the cockroaches that are 8cm big. THAT is Bangladesh. Iih. Not as exciting and wonderfu as other thingsl.)

In the last days I've been a bit home sick. Hm. Well, I've been here for 2 months so that's not really strange, but I think the main reason is Japan and what's going on over there... I realize how far away from my home I am, both family and friends. I've had my ups and downs and now I'm satisfied with the fact that I'll have another month here. Everything isn't "new and exciting" and wonderful anymore, exactly as it should be! It's a life, a way of living that I'm sharing and I'm no guest. Well, in a way, yes, but I'm also living here. And it wouldn't be a real experience if I would leave the country Bangladesh and believe that everything is exciting and wonderful, because it certainly is not. Nevertheless, many things are! Especially in the work of the brothers that I get to see.

We are working with several people from Japan, and the brothers have many friends in the areas where the earth quake has vanished and destroyed big areas... No connection to them for the moment, but the families of our friends here are ok. Please pray for Japan. And everyone who is somehow affected by this catastrophies with the earth quake and nuclear explosion. They need all the prayers they can get.

And with that wish for prayer my update is coming to an end.

Special greetings to Julia! (You'll get to know this computer too in some months...)

And special greetings to MEINE LIEBE STEFCIUS. Greetings and blessings and prayers and all the warm hearted things you can come up with for you and your new small family. Looking very much forward to meet the little miracle in summer!

Hope you are all well!
Much love coming at you from Asia!
-a.

every picture takes about 5 min, eh. would love to share more, but limited devices makes that unpossible. however, here you go! :) me, my friends, my street, my surrounding!

Ok, I've got some feedback. Apparently I shouldn't share too much.

This morning we had a sports day with the different Day Care Centers for the disabled children... it was sooo much fun! :) Different traditional games and plays. Dances and singing. Yesterday we decorated the whole place with everything you can imagine... And we made a Fahnenstange (pole? don't know the word in English) out of bambu and decorated it as well. Girlangs and flags everywhere, so much colour!
(don't think I will manage with the pictures...)

And I have bought myself a warm scarf. It's deep blue.

And for the record, I will sing solos.
Now, I'm going out in the sun again.
Walking through the park to my home to do some laundry.

I'm grateful I'm here.
There will be more soon.
Take care.

Okey people. Listen up. I'm overwhelmed. And need to get this out.
You know me, right? The nonstop-smiling Amanda who's smiling just because life is a gift and something wonderful?

She's sort of buried over here.

I didn't really have any expectations when I got here, but I have reacted in a completely different way than I ever thought I would. I guess a little part of me thought that I would come here, that I was strong enough to keep my smile up for others, and somehow... be joyful. Seeing and sharing their everyday life, but still, keep my smile on. But it's so hard. In the work I do it's very easy to be joyful, seeing the smiles of the children and their parents, the spark in their eyes... But then again I very easily get reminded of how their lives look like. I knew that I'm a sensitive person, sure, and I can not ever tell you that I feel what they feel... but I... well, feel for them. And I get sad at life. And wonder how it can be so different? For the first time in I-don't-know-how-many-months I felt a sting of being hopeless. They are so many who need help. These people are not here temporary.

Yesterday morning I saw a boy get overdriven by a 3-wheel car. Reality struck me hard. People running to help, panic, the look in this boys face... I couldn't breathe. We were in a rickshaw so the traffic continued, but as far as I could see he was ok, just in chock.

I say as everyone else says who's been in a third world country; pictures are not enough. I FEEL this, what I see. We sit in front of our tv's and computers and we just pity these human beings, but being here and looking them in the eyes, different.
Challenge.

They are carrying baskets on their heads that are two times, or even three times, their body volume.
They are amazed by my tattoo and wonders "how did I get it in there?".
They have the coolest drums ever in church and are great musicians.
I have to shape up.

I have to overcome this. I have to be smiling. That is the least I can do for these people, give them a smile. I have to get myself grounded and smile from the bottom of my heart. I can! And I will. (And I'm glad that these are just the first days and that I'm still adapting. I will see beautiful things, not leaving with this state of misery in mind.)

Wonderful.
Stay tuned.

(And I'm very ok, by the way. Washing my hair over the toilet -hole in the ground- and eating rice all the time! I'm fine! Just adapting and getting to know this place and this outbreak was simply a part of my whooooa-life-is-unfair-side. :) )

However, I get up in the mornings at 6.30 for morning prayer, having breakfast with the 20 boys living here with the brothers, then going to one of the projects for work. Working morning and afternoon, or the complete day. Midday prayer normally at 12 and evening prayer at 19.
Eh, this is a confusing post, I know, many things on my mind that I want to share, that's why. So now you get a little bit of everything. :)

Going to church to collect my thoughts and pray a bit.
Just one of those days.

To be continued.
-a.

Aha!
Managing to update again from here!

Today's a big school tournament on the field just next to the Taize-house (as this place is called) and I was there this morning to watch, got dragged in and opened the whole tournament by popping a balloon full of glitter together with the head master.

The prayers here are a bit different from the Taize prayers I'm used to, and there are instruments and cantiques in Bengali. And these boys have voice! I sit and stare at the candles, at the icon of friendship and the cross. And that's my own prayer time.

I certainly do not look Bangladeshi, but within the next days I'll go to the Womans Club (a project of the Taize Brothers) and get my measures and choose a cloth. :) I will buy myself a dress, the typical one from here, in 3 pieces!

Yesterday afternoon I visited the carpet workshop where my host works, I was astonished! These young girls, sitting an brading/knitting together the carpets with difficult patterns, was amazing to seee! I already promised I'll come back.

And my Bangla is making progress. Slowly, but it is! I can actually introduce myself! :) Will learn the numbers soon, and the time. I hope.

Oh, and I will try my best to upload some pictures before next weekend! No promises, but I already thought I'll give it a shot.

Almost the end of January. Puh.

Midday prayer now.
Take care.
If you don't have anything better to do, leave a comment!
(I see that you are over 80 people reading...!)

(Hörni svenskar, jag beklagar att jag bara skriver på engelska, men jag har inte så mycket tid när jag väl skriver. De svenska bokstäverna får jag till med lite ansträngning. Hoppas att det är ok ändå. Tänker på er, och ber 3 ggr om dagen. 5 timmars tidsförskjutning. Ni vaknar runt den här tiden antar jag! :) Nu, middagsbön.)

Oh, and I love the food! And mum, I get to eat with my fingers aaaaall the time! Så det så!

Keep it in mind.
-a.

Here. Arrived in Dhaka on thursday, sat in a lovely cng (transport...) for 2h in the evening, spent the night with some sisters (because of a big muslim pilgrimage we couldn't go to Mymensingh immediately), then started early yesterday morning to come here to Mymensingh.

So, how's my situation? :) Well, I'm in a hostfamily. My host is a pretty young girl sitting in a wheel chair (paralyzed legs) and she is probably the sweetest girl I've ever seen. Big metal gate. My bed is a wooden bench and a mattress (about 3 cm thick) and mosquito net all over. Stone ground, wooden roof with birds and mice than make themselves heard during the night. No running water. Simple. And I already put up 2 photos and a postcard. That will be my home for this time. That room and the chapel. I felt after only a few minutes in thos country that this will be the biggest challenge of my life this far. These people, their conditions. I love to be here. I will learn and feel and (hopefully) reflect so much, and I need to take my time here. And I already started writing... And there are plans for me! (will tell you more about them as soon as I myself know a bit more...)

This morning when I got out of the gate, there was a minimini (mini!) white goat standing watching me. Adorable! Walked through the park to the Taize house, had midday prayer wih songs and psalms in Bengali (also sang Laudate omnes gentes) and just finished my first meal eating with my hands! :) Whoh!

Yesterday evening we had supper in L'arche-community, and tonight there's a birthday party.

Already, I have many touching situations, but I just need to tell you one very quickly; I don't know if you're familiar with L'arche-communities, but they are working with and take care of people with disabilities... There's a boy in this community (maybe about 12 years old) who's always saying the prayer after the meal. He can not speak, but he's making a sound in rhythm and everyone else keeps silent during that time. He is praying, everyone says Amen. I was touched and felt honoured to be there, to meet these people, and also the people working with them.

In an hour, some of the boys living here with the brothers will show me around, show me this area and some certain places.

I'm settling down, realizing that I'm finally here. That I'll be here for some time.

Don't know how much I'll be able to update, but I'll try my best. Today is an exception since there are not many brothers here at the moment. One's here, another is coming back tonight and so it continues. This computer is the working-one of them, so from tomorrow on I'll probably go to an Internet cafe everytime I have to check my emails or update.

People, I'm doing fine. Hope you are as well.

Will be reachable on amanda.carlshamre@hotmail.com (not the carlshamre.se-one). Checking it now and then. Urgent things, send a sms.

Thinking about you all, and praying.
love!
-a.

hang up 5 min ago.
that is 5 min less.
i know you're there! :)

I'd like to see myself as a citizen of the world.

I like to travel, but even more, I love relations, people.
People are my driving force, my impulsion;

People as they are, in the middle of their lives...
People living different lives, doing different things,
looking at the world from different eyes and seeing different horizons.
From different conditions and different backgrounds.

That's what I do on my journeys, I meet people.

I love to see how different we are, and I love to see that we, despite our differences, 
strive for a common aim, we have our focus on the same objective and purpose. B-e-a-utiful!

Several people already told me that I'm brave (doing what I'm doing), and that actually got me thinking.
It's not brave to travel, is it? Is it brave to live simply with your backpack and yourself for a while? To travel between friends and their homes? Nope, not that brave. To travel alone all across Europe, well maybe. To travel to Asia? Maybe a bit. But on what do we base our estimation saying that it's brave?

Hm, leads me on to the next question...

What is there to be afraid of?

I have my two answers to that one.
Time. And values. And I've many reasons to choose those two (but that topic deserves an essay).

But what I believe is the most important thing;
What you do out of everything you get to see and experience, that's up to you.

Maybe we are so 'at home' in our daily life habits and routines, that we are not brave enough to see beyond our borders, it's like there are other divisions. But the things we see on pictures and in movies are not an other division. It's the exact same one as we are in.

When you see the result of what you do out of your then you can measure braveness. (If that's even possible.)

And for the moment it's me traveling.
And now it's just up to me to do something out of what I see and learn.

MMXI
-2011-

2 hours left.
in between the meals it's time to sum it up.
my 2010.

(for your information, didn't realize that it's 2010 and now it's already over. the years are somehow just a big pot of memories and experiences, am i getting old?)

i must say; it's been a pretty good year!
i've been happy in love, i've been heartbroken.
i've been rich, i've been completely broke.
i've been happy, and unhappy.
i've been everything and a bit more...
and i've learned and grown.

and most of all, i did so many things i wanted to.
might sound a bit egoistic, but with a good deed.
i am a good deed-doer.

and meetings. people. smiles. stories... endless interesting topics and talks...

i've been travelling.
i travelled miles of smiles.
all over Europe...
19 countries.
that was the craziest thing i've ever done.
and probably the best one this far.

expectations for 2011?
none.
expect the unexpected and live (meaning: deal with) it.
that's what i'll do.

and i'm gonna walk straight in to 2011 with a bright and confident smile.
i have many reasons to be confident and happy.

and i will come back soon.
i still have a lot of things to write down. to publish here.
to put together pieces of reflections, puzzle them together into something which might be worth saving.

for now; HAAAAAAAPPYYYYYYYYY NEEEEEEEEEW YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!
may your year to come be blessed and filled with good things!


[Ja, vänner... Ett nytt år knackar snart på dörren. Het vansinnigt vad fort det har gått! Jag har inte riktigt insett att det är 2010 än, och om 3 timmar är det 2011. Lite jobbigt.

Det har varit ett helt fantastiskt år. Stort. Jag har gjort saker jag aldrig kunnat tänka mig, jag har upplevt saker jag bara vågat drömma om och jag har känt känslor jag inte ens visste fanns... Det har verkligen varit ett fantastiskt år, innehållande allt från lycka och glädje och kärlek till svek, olycklighet och ett krossat hjärta. Och allt däremellan. Och jag har lärt mig.

Och nu kommer 2011. Jag har inga förväntningar, bara glada tillrop och ett glatt sinne. Bangladesh blir... ja, en upplevelse... Sedan förhoppningsvis plugg, får se var jag hamnar. Kanske Tyskland?

Gott nytt ååååår!! :) Jag önskar er lycka och välgång och ett riktigt riktigt härligt nytt år!]